Oh no, oh no! I got swamped! Swamped by an intended kindness gone awry.
You want to know what transpired? Well, remember, you asked!
During a recent interaction with a person I’d not met before, there was a mutual sharing of health concerns. (Hey, we’ve reached that age …) I figured, what the heck, as a part of the rolling conversation I made mention of my encounter with the C-word. You know what I’m talking about, right? Unfortunately, my mention stopped the rolling conversation in its tracks. Com-plete-ly. This gentlenatured person with whom I was speaking launched into a story about a family member who’d been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Every detail. Every single detail ...
As a former social worker, I knew, just knew, there was a point to this sharing. Likely some hidden kindness in this telling (I hoped.) However, as her detailed story rolled on, Nice Jan was in conflict with Overwhelmed Jan wanting to, somehow, staunch the flow of words, but in a fashion that was consonant with my values. I’ve worked long and hard, over many years, shoring up “Nice Jan,” learning to remove my finger from the red reactive button, believing it’s a small gift I can offer others. A boost in our often-polarized culture. (Every little bit helps.)
Struggle, struggle … Nice Jan vs. Drowning Jan. Finally, finally, I found a middle ground and with no testiness in my voice, said I become uncomfortable when people share (l-o-n-g, but I didn’t say that) cancer stories after hearing about my C-word encounter. She was taken aback for a moment but indicated that this story was to give me hope because her family member recovered. (I would have loved hearing this in 10 words or less at the very beginning.)
I have absolutely no doubt this gentlewoman’s heart intended kindness, only kindness, in sharing her story with me. But I also forget we live in a “can-do” culture. “Can-Do?” “Confidence in taking on all challenges.” We can do it! And in this case, “I can-do something to MAKE you feel better about your condition.” AND, “I dislike (really personally dislike!) feeling powerless about your condition so I can-do something to make myself feel better too.” Let me share this great story …
A twofer. Boom, boom. Taking care of you and me at the same time. (Yeah!)
I realize the following thought is a revolutionary one for our can-do culture, however, here it is. Just be present to the other person. What!? Be present, ask honest, open-ended questions, and maybe listen. But that sounds so, so, so ... passive.
No. Not at all. If someone (you, for instance) realized I had a health challenge and simply asked how I was doing — what a gift. Yes, it is a gift. You’ve shown caring interest and allowed me take the reins, sharing my life with you in my own way. No unintentional imposing of your personal agenda on me (so you’ll feel less powerless.) Simply empowering both of us by being receptive to listening, or wow, even asking questions. Now that’s a twofer I can happily live with!
Jan Hutton is a retired hospice/hospital social worker who believes in living life with heart and humor. She has happily lived in Chatham for 20 years.