Strange, strange, strange.
OK, out with it. What’s strange?
My unexpected learning curve, beginning with a golden oldie (the Beatles, the Stones?). No, no, this well-worn chestnut, “sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Gimme a break! The refrain harks way back to my childhood days of defensively, but defiantly, responding to name-calling. Yelling it back at an erstwhile bully usually left me standing straighter and feeling more upstanding. (Look at me! I’m just fine. So there!)
But here’s a modern-day twist for that childhood defensive rejoinder. What if, inadvertently, I’m the one casting a dark shadow of words in my own direction? Whoa. Why would you do that?! You seem to be kind and peaceful. Pretty much, but oh-so human, too. (I’m guessing you’ve already noticed that.) And as humans, well, geez, we are kind of imperfect; certainly not all-seeing and omniscient. (Although, admittedly, I do try to leave that impression sometimes. Another hallmark of being all-too-human …)
Back to (inadvertently) casting verbal negativity in my own direction. I do need, initially, to out myself as a brain science nerd. Huh? I love nurturing my behavioral foundation with conscious ways I can ... well, just say it … OK, yeah, be a better human being. (Was that so difficult to express? “Just sounds so ooey-gooey.” Oh well)
As a result of my nerd inclinations, I tend to follow current brain neuroscience research. (Are you yawning yet? If so, please hang in. It gets more interesting; I promise. Swearing to you on my coveted Girl Scout chocolate Thin Mint cookies.)
Anyway, I bumped into an article regarding how our very own words affect our brain functions. (A timely “gotcha” from the universe.) Merrily reading along and then, boom, a wake-up call. Big-time. Oh, you’re wondering what the wake-up call was? Here you go:
“Science shows us that catastrophizing language … can negatively affect our mental health. Over time our mind believes what we are saying to ourselves. Optimistic words prime us to see a brighter future. And negative ones keep us stuck.”
Um, well, the word “nightmare” had become a frequent personal refrain when responding to friends’ questions about selling my house. “It has been a nightmare” and variations on that theme. And, let’s be honest, I also said it to myself, frequently! Oy. So here I am, unknowingly, tossing words of ongoing verbal negativity in my own direction. Yes, it has been hard, but was I serving my wholeness, my emotional health, and my path forward, by characterizing selling the house as a nightmare, again, and again, and again? (And again?) (And again?) Probably not. And the words wounding me, unintentionally, were my own. Ouch.
My reaction to this light bulb activation? Consciously changing my language. Right then and there. “Optimistic words prime us to see a better future.” Dang right. Among my new uplifting repertoire of phrases and actions, I am: “persevering.” Cheerleading (“Yay, Jan!”) and pumping my little fists cheerleader-style; and adding the oh-so-evocative Southern saying, “You go, girl!” (Says she, laughingly, having first judged that expression as non-feminist so many years ago. Nothing like hindsight to offer oneself a good laugh, is there?)
And, you know what? I do feel more optimistic, accepting and empowered. Now, isn’t that a surprising sentiment?
Empowered, though? Help me understand. Yes, this has been a challenging road. However, I can still consciously choose self-referential words that bolster and empower me. Although there have been many things I’ve not been able to control on this journey, my heart and mind still belong to me. You go, girl!
Jan Hutton is a retired hospice/hospital social worker who believes in living life with heart and humor. She has happily lived in Chatham for 20 years.